One of the questions I often hear from my girlfriends is how to find a husband, especially when you’re over the lovely age of 30. I often shrug my shoulders and proceed to tell them that if I knew the answer on how to find a husband, I would be married my damn self.
See, the problem is not how to find a man to marry you. I mean, truth be told, you can grab any man off the street and make him your husband. The real issue at hand is how to find, meet and fall in love with a good man who will eventually become your husband.
A lot of women out there are on the hunt looking for any old man to marry them. I mean, with all of the men out there in this world, it’s practically impossible not to find at least one. Right? Halle Berry has been married three times, so getting married is not the difficult part (even though she’s gorgeous and rich, my point is still relevant).
In my opinion, some women want to get married so bad, that they’re spending more time and focus on the wedding and less on the man that will stand beside them. These women end up getting so wrapped up in the idea of marriage, in the proposal and engagement and don’t put any thought of what life would look like down the road.
One example I can think of on the top of my head is when Kim Kardashian. was engaged to Kris Humphries. He made a similar comment on one of the episodes (I can’t remember which one) to her that she seemed more focused on getting married that she didn’t care who the Mr. was. As we look back, we can agree that Kim Kardashian was, in fact, more concerned with the preparation of her wedding than the marriage. I believe midway through she knew he wasn’t the one but, didn’t want to disappoint those who were watching. I didn’t watch the show much, but even I saw the signs that they were not headed for wedded bliss (as well as the fact that the marriage was over in 72 days).
What’s worse? Some women think that every man will change once they’ve signed on the dotted line to be husband and wife.
This is plain foolishness I tell you. No one will change unless they want to. No amount of dried ink on a marriage certificate will change that.
If you date a man who cheats. He will cheat on you as your husband.
If you date a man who can’t keep a job. You’ll marry a man who will tear up your credit and keep you in the poor house.
See a man who is not of husband-grade quality when you met him, will not miraculously become one just because he said: “I do”. If anything, you have just made it harder for yourself to get away from this man with your emotional and financial self intact.
Just the other day, my friend stated to me that all of her friends were married (minus me, because I must be the only single woman she knows) and she didn’t know when her day would come. I told her there’s more involved than just getting married. Not every couple you come across is a happy one. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors because no one tells the whole truth.
She disagreed we me and instead of arguing with her I just gave her the side eye. Of all of the marriages in my circle, I know at least 50% of them that have had infidelity issues, some that have had financial issues, and others, where it’s obvious love, was not the primary reason for getting (and staying) married.
Take into consideration that this is only what I’ve been privy to and know for sure. Let’s not even think about my friends or family members who are sitting in silence because they are either embarrassed or trying to keep up appearances.
Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t get married, but I truly believe in the institution of marriage. I believe it is a wonderful thing to be with someone who not only loves you but also wants to spend the rest of their lives with you. When you find someone who feels the same way you do, in my opinion, it’s one of the most beautiful things in the world.
Having said that, I do believe that if you want to get married and STAY married, you’re going to have to put some effort into meeting the right person from the beginning.
So, back to the original question…How do you go about finding a husband?
For those of you who say that I can’t give advice because I’m not married – just smack yourself. Ever got weight loss advice from someone who has never been fat? Exactly. I may not have ever been married, but my parents were married almost forty years before my mother passed away. My aunts and uncles have been married for a long time, some over 30 years. So, I’ve seen what makes a marriage work and I’ve seen where people make stupid mistakes, some of which should have immediately ended the marriage.
I have also looked at my personal relationships and those of my friends and understand why some of us aren’t married. Most of us have been asked at least once to be someone’s wife, but something inside of us told us it wasn’t the right thing to do. We may have hated being over 30 and unmarried, but we knew we would hate being miserable more.
I’ve been in love with a man who couldn’t keep his pants on. I’ve also been in love with a man who couldn’t keep a dollar in his pocket to save his life. Needless to say, I didn’t marry either one.
I can’t tell you how to become Mrs., but I can tell you how to position yourself so that you can find Mr. Right. I can tell you how to find and fall in love with the right man who will be the right person for you to eventually marry if you so choose. I’ve listed 7 ways to find a husband below to put you in the right position for marriage.
How to Find a Husband – 7 Ways
Stop Acting Desperate. Women don’t understand how funky desperation smells. In fact, the smell can go on for miles and miles and only the wrong type of men seem to like it. If you’re so desperate to get married, you’ll probably end up giving a part of yourself away to anyone who will take it. I’ve seen women lose all sense and spend money on a man, just so they can say they have one. If you want to lavish someone with money and gifts, go have a kid or adopt one somewhere. I’d rather see an unfortunate child dressed like money from head to toe, than some grown ass man who is only using you to get what he wants.
Stay Away from Other Women’s Husbands. Trust me, if you prayed for a husband, God is not going to send you someone else’s. If a man is married, keep it moving. No matter how unhappy he tells you he is, no matter how bad he says his wife treats him, you need to understand one thing – he’s a liar. Men usually don’t stay in marriages “for the sake of the kids”. They’re in it for as long as their needs are being met. If their wife cheats, they bounce. If they fall in love with someone else, they’re at the divorce lawyer’s office quicker than you say spousal support. So stop fooling yourself. If you don’t listen to me and date a married man anyway, understand that one or two things will happen – 1) He’ll sleep with you and kick you to the curb when he’s finished or 2) He’ll leave his wife for you, marry you, and then cheat on you. Remember how you get him will be how you lose him.
Stop Looking in the Gutter. If you always end up with bums, then you’ve set your standards too low. If a man can’t keep a job, he probably doesn’t like to work or he has other issues that make him unemployable. If he is unable to pay his bills, he definitely won’t be able to pay your bills. Becoming a husband won’t make him much of a provider if he didn’t have his own financial house in order. What’s even worse is that some men are out there looking for women to take care of them. You’ll recognize them by how fast they want to move into your place or how many of his bills happen to fall due around your payday. Start now by looking for men of substance. A man who pays his bills on time has a decent job, has goals in life to be better will be a good provider. It’s hard to live in marital bliss if you’re stressing about how you’re going to pay your mortgage and feed your kids.
Date Only Marriage Minded Men.
Not every man out there wants to get married. The truth of the matter is that not every man should get married. They already understand they’re not marriage material and will not benefit any woman out there as their husband. If marriage is your goal, stay away from these men. If you are in your thirties and forties and you’ve been dating a man for more than 8 months without the mention of the word marriage, then you need to chuck your losses and move on to the next man. I’m not saying that you have to get married in 8 months, but you should know by that time if this is someone you can see becoming your husband. He should know by this time if you’re someone he can envision being his wife. If he can’t, then the answer is that he doesn’t and he’s probably keeping you around until he finds her. Look, you don’t have years and years to waste on someone who is not going to commit to you. You deserve more. Also, if he’s in his forties or fifties and has never been married…the likelihood is that he won’t marry you either. Move on.
Be Who You Want to Attract. First of all, when you are looking for a husband, be realistic to the type of person you’re looking for. If you’re looking for a man who has a good job, physically fit, faithful and compassionate, make sure you exhibit those same qualities as well. Please don’t be the woman with a ridiculous list. I’ve seen women who say that they want men who have a body like Morris Chestnut, but they’re over there looking like Precious. Now I’m not saying you have to have a perfect body and look like a model, but if you want someone who’s active and into sports, you need to be as well. Sitting on your ass eating ice cream all night won’t cut it.
Know Your Reason For Wanting to Be Married. Do you want to get married because all of your friends are? Is your biological clock clicking loudly in your head? If the idea of marriage is more important to you than sharing your life with someone, there’s a problem. In a marriage, you have to combine the personalities and lifestyles of two people and make them one. When there’s a fight, you can’t leave to go back to your place until things calm down. You can’t scream it’s over when you can’t get your way and you can’t jump out just because you see something juicier and sexier than what you got. Marriage is a long term commitment. It’s easy enough to get into, but it’s a real b* getting out of one. Proceed with caution.
Fix You First. Before you decide to add someone into your craziness, make sure you work on yourself first. If you have low self-esteem or have daddy issues, please go seek professional help. Only broke and crazy people are against counseling. If you don’t deal with the past, it will haunt your present and your future.
If you’re overweight and hate the way you look, go to the gym and start being more active. Fix yourself up. Get your hair done and wear clothes that are appropriate for your age and body type. You don’t need to spend a million bucks, but you should look like you did. Once you become the best possible you, you’re going to start attracting good quality men in your life. You’re going to feel better about yourself and the right type of men will flock to you.