When I was a freshman in college, I worked (briefly) for a successful real estate agent as her assistant. She seemed to have it all. A good career, a nice condo, and a brand new car. Everything I knew I wanted one day. She also seemed to have the love of a good man. I learned nothing from her about real estate, but I learned a life long lesson that I follow closely today.
One afternoon I arrived to work only to witness my 49-year-old boss screaming and cursing throughout the office. Come to find out she believed one of the secretaries was sleeping with her man. Sticky since he was also the broker of the firm they both worked. I thought I had walked right in the middle of a soap opera and I was waiting for someone to jump out with a camera. Of course, it didn’t happen and it’s a memory that lives vividly in my mind.
After my boss calmed down, she explained to me that her man just bought the secretary a car and was paying the rent for her apartment. I was baffled, because if my man was paying some other woman’s bills, I would have been out the door. I didn’t know much at 18, but I knew that there was no way I would remain in that office. I also knew that her problem wasn’t with the secretary, it was with that lying piece of…she was in a relationship with. While I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, the others in the office didn’t seem bothered by this woman’s outburst. That should have been my sign to turn in my resignation letter, but hey, I was curious.
My boss continued to tell me how much in love she and her man were and would divulge bits of pieces of their relationship to me each day I worked. Unprofessional yes, but I was nosy and wanted to hear the gossip. Come to find out her mother didn’t care too much for her man and they didn’t visit her much together.
Lesson Learned: If your momma doesn’t like him, then there’s usually a reason why.
It’s nice to have your parents like your significant other, but it’s not necessary. You’re the one that has to date him, not them. I also figured there had to be something wrong with him. Why else would her mother care so much?
Then the ball dropped.
She confided in me that he was married…
Married to a woman for well over 20 years.
Though I didn’t see that coming, it made the whole situation a lot clearer.
No wonder her mother didn’t like him, he was an adulterer and her daughter was the side chick. An old side chick at that.
I didn’t know what to say to her. I was not only just mad at him for cheating on his wife, but my admiration for my boss diminished quickly. I couldn’t wrap my brain around why was she messing with a married man and worst, why was she ready to fight another woman for him?
She explained to me that he was waiting for the right time to divorce his wife. He told her that he couldn’t leave his wife until he sold most of his properties. Once he did, however, he would divorce the wife and marry her.
Okay? Maybe it was an accident and after meeting my boss he realized he didn’t love his wife anymore. Possible. So I asked how long they had been together.
At age 18, eight years seemed like a long time. It sounded like a really long time to wait for some man to marry you.
At that moment, I began to feel so sorry for her. Not only was she heartbroken, but she was delusional. This grown woman was waiting for an event that was unlikely to occur. She had wasted 8 years of her life waiting for a man who would never leave his wife for her. She had wasted 8 years of her life waiting for a man who was obviously unfaithful and sleeping with at least 2 other women. She had wasted 8 years of her life on a man she couldn’t even take home to momma.
I tell this story not just for you to feel sorry for this woman or to laugh at her stupidity, but for you to learn from it. If you have your life on hold waiting for a man to make the decision to be with you, please stop. If you are dating a married man waiting for him to leave his wife, don’t. If you are alone most nights waiting for your man to take you out because he’s been grinding hard at work, stop. If you’re waiting for your man to get his ish together, just leave.
Lesson Learned: You need to be a priority. Anything less is not fair to you.
Please take heed of what I’m putting down. If you keep waiting for a man, any man, you will lose valuable time and you will end up frustrated. You will cheat yourself out of being in a healthy and loving relationship. Instead of meeting someone who wants to spend time with you and be with you, you’re at home waiting for someone who may or may not call.
I have seen too many women waste their lives away waiting for men who are not available, physically or emotionally. I’ve seen women wait on a man while he goes out and have relationships with other people. I’ve seen women wait years and years for a man to get out of jail. I’ve seen women give up their good child bearing years waiting for a man to decide if he wants to marry them or not.
It happens to the best of us. Hell, even I waited a little while for a man to get his financial house in order. I stayed home on Saturday nights and I turned down invitations from eligible men who wanted to date me. Guess what happened? I woke up. I was tired of being alone and I moved on with my life. It might have taken me a little while to do it, but it didn’t take a LONG time for me to do it either.
My boss stated that she had just returned to work after recuperating from a mental breakdown. Considering her boyfriend had been in her bed for 8 years, it’s safe to say he was probably the cause of her breakdown in the first place.
Lesson Learned: Confident women don’t wait for men to decide if they want them or not.
They set a timetable they’re comfortable with and leave men who aren’t ready. Jill Scott recently commented that she gives a man six months to figure if the relationship will go anywhere. If at the end of six months she doesn’t see any promise, she ends it. There’s no need wasting anyone’s time if the relationship is not going anywhere. You know what, I agree with her. I’m the one who doesn’t believe in long engagements (more on why in another post). Mostly because I’m impatient, but mostly because these type of relationships don’t seem to work well for women.
So, if you are waiting for a man to make up his mind about you, make it up for him and move on. If a man is unsure of you, then he’s really not sure about you. He doesn’t want to marry you now because he’s probably waiting to see if something better is around the corner. He’s staying with his wife right now, because even if he wants to leave, he won’t leave her for you.
If a man wants to be with a woman, he will. It’s just that simple. Men aren’t that complicated. If he tells you that he wants to be with you, but not right now, he’s not willing to make the effort. He knows that no matter what he does, you won’t leave. It may also mean that you’re fulfilling a need for him and he already knows you’re not the one for him.
If you’re in a situation where you’re waiting for a man to make up his mind about you, to commit to you, then you need to get yourself out of it. It’s a 99% chance he won’t change and you’ll grow old waiting on him. Give him a little time, but give him an ultimatum. If he’s not ready when you’re ready, walk away. You deserve to be with someone who is 100% sure about you. You deserve a man who wants to be with you and will move heaven and earth to prove to you that he wants you and only you. So go find him.
Decided to move on and have your eyes set on a new man? Head over here to find out how to get him to notice you and fall madly in love with you.
Have you ever waited for a man before you realized that he wasn’t going to ever change? If so, comment below.
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