Are you looking for signs he’s not husband material? This is the article for you.
I am a firm believer that you don’t have the time to be in relationships that are not going anywhere – especially if you’re a woman over 30 looking for a husband.
We always ask God for signs that this person is the one you will be with for the rest of your life. I’m not him (or her), but I do have 10 signs he’s not husband material to share with you.
1 – He doesn’t share your values and beliefs
I am a true believer that someone who is Christian can have a healthy relationship with someone who is Jewish. However, if you’re with someone who doesn’t like to go to church, but you do – that might be a problem. If you value honesty, faithfulness or any value you hold dear, the relationship is doomed from the start.
Most of my best relationships have been with men who were raised in similar working-class households as mine with two parents present. We were witnesses to healthy marital relationships and in turn, valued commitment in our relationships.
Now I’m not saying that all of the men I dated who were raised by single mothers didn’t value the same thing, but with most of them, there was a disconnect in how we saw our each other’s role in our future relationship.
If you’re not on the same page, when and if you do marry there will be problems in areas of communication as well as how you raise your children.
To break it down further, let’s say you want to remain celibate until marriage. If the man you are dating is pressuring you to have sex with him anyway, that is a dead giveaway he’s not here for the long haul.
Which is a good thing, because one or two things are going on here. One, he doesn’t plan to stay around for that long and wants to get it in before he rolls out. Or two, he doesn’t value you. Either way, ditch this dude and move on.
2 – Your family and friends do not approve of him
When we’re in love, we tend to view our partners with rose colored glasses. Your family and friends don’t feel that way. If they are warning you about the person you’re with, you need to take a step back.
These people love you, not him, and want only the best for you. Those that are closest to us can see what we refuse to see. My dad was apprehensive about the men I dated, which is to be expected.
However, there was one, in particular, he didn’t like. He was never overly negative, but you could tell my dad wouldn’t even stop for this dude if he saw him on the side of the road broken down.
I tried to do everything in my power to make this man look good in the eyes of my father. Guess what? It didn’t work.
My dad tolerated him, but he never liked him. Soon thereafter, I learned for myself that this guy was a creep and he stayed in my life a lot longer than he should have. From then on, if my family didn’t like a man I was dating, I didn’t stay in the relationship long.
While I might have had all the fuzzy wuzzies going on in my stomach, they were on high alert.
3 – You’re embarrassed to bring him around or talk about him to your family and friends
Look, I’m not talking about being embarrassed by your boyfriend’s lack of fashion sense, heck you can change that. I’m talking about being ashamed to bring your boyfriend around your family because you know they’re going to ask the hard-hitting questions such as, “Where do you work?”, “Where do you live?”, or “You have how many kids?”. You know, the questions you don’t want him to answer.
I remember telling an ex-boyfriend not to discuss his former residence in a correctional facility. He told me that if asked, he would answer truthfully because it was part of his past and he wasn’t ashamed. Good answer. However, I was still uneasy and avoided leaving him around my family for too long.
I realized that if I was ashamed of his past, I wasn’t totally accepting of him (and I knew my family would judge him). I knew right then he wasn’t husband material because I didn’t want to spend the rest of our marriage making excuses for him.
4 – You’re ignoring all of the red flags
Have you been praying for a husband, but you keep finding liars, cheaters, and deadbeats? If so, you’ve received all the signs you need. Whenever a man shows you his true colors, such as being overly jealous, putting you down, or being a total jerk, you know right then that man is not for you.
As women, we sometimes look at a man’s potential of what he can be instead of looking at what he is right now. We think we can change a man, but unless he wants to change, he just won’t.
Related Post: Read Why You Don’t Date Bad Boys.
And no matter how great of a father he is, there is NO WAY IN HELL he can be there for all of his children. Someone is getting screwed. Also, it was evident that he’s not the marrying kind and even having a baby by Ciara didn’t make him into one either. I’m just saying.
5 – He’s a bad boy
Bad boys do bad things to your heart, I mean they can really beat it up good. This doesn’t matter because a lot of women will find this exciting and won’t be able to get enough. I don’t understand what the fascination is with dating men who are a little rough around the edges. I’ll take a faithful man over a rolling stone any day.
Look, if you date a man who doesn’t want a commitment or pops in and out of your life when he wants to be bothered with you, then you’ll have a long lonely life filled with heartache. Stop trying to change a man who is broken, he won’t change unless he wants to.
Stop playing therapist to some man thinking you can mend a long life of bad parenting. You can’t do it. It’s draining and it’s not fair to you. You are wonderful. You are beautiful and you deserve 100 times better.
I believe in the saying that “you are what you attract”. If you continually date bad boy after bad boy only to cry buckets when they don’t call, there’s something wrong with you.
Only a broken person will allow someone to come into their lives and wreck havoc on it, step on their hearts and treat them worse than trash. Only someone who doesn’t love themselves enough will remain in a relationship that is unhealthy and/or abusive. Why stay in a relationship if you’re not happy?
Related Post: Read How to Find Mr. Right
6 – You have caught them in more than a few lies
My good friend used to tell her students “if you lie, you’ll steal, if you steal, you’ll kill”. This used to scare the hell out of me, so I can imagine how the kids were. Though this is a little extreme, but it’s something to think about. Do you really want to be with someone who lies to you all the time? If he lies about little things, I’m sure he’ll lie about bigger things.
No one deserves to be with someone they can’t expect complete honesty with. You do not want to build a future with someone who doesn’t trust you enough, to be honest with you. It’s like coming into the middle of a story without reading the beginning. You’ll always feel like you’re missing something.
I dated a man who always lied to me about his past.Even though he told me he served time, he lied about a lot of the issues surrounding it. First, he said he spent a couple of years behind bars, then on a date he added on a few extra years. His stories changed so many times, I had to put on my detective hat and do some research. What I found literally hit me in the face.
His record was as long as my arms put together with charges spread throughout various jurisdictions. These were petty crimes that added up to big-time (5 years), I was hurt. First of all, I would have never dated him if I knew he had a criminal history, but I always wondered what else wasn’t he telling me.
I no longer knew which one of his “truths” were actually fallacies. One thing for sure, he was not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
7 – He doesn’t like confrontation and shuts down when you’re trying to have an adult conversation
I dated a man who always wanted to crack jokes. When things were good, they were good. Whenever I wanted to get serious or talk about the future, he would shut down and hover in a corner. He would change the subject abruptly or ask me why I wanted to start a fight.
I was confused because I felt at the time I would have gotten more out of a 3-year old. I didn’t nag and I didn’t pressure him to open up (futile attempts on my part anyway). It was very unsettling not knowing where I stood with him. Needless to say, I moved on. I love to communicate. I really love to communicate with the people I feel the closest to.
However, if the person refuses to talk about issues that matter to me, I don’t want them in my life. Some of us grew up in families where no one talked about what was bothering them. Others never talked, but argued and fought their way through issues.
This is life. However, if you’re always walking around on eggshells around him or made to feel shut out when he’s going through issues – then leave his behind alone. He’s a grown man and grown people have grown conversations. If he can’t communicate his feelings or thoughts in an appropriate manner, you’re going to need to hit the road. Things will not get better when you marry, it will only get worse.
8 – He’s unfaithful
My son’s father cheated on me and when I found out about it, I was devastated. I was hurt. I was ashamed. I felt stupid. Afterward, I could never trust him again. And in fact, I stopped loving him. I stayed longer in the relationship because of our son, but it wasn’t a place I wanted to be.
After we broke up, I dated men who knew my zero-tolerance policy for cheating. I told each and every one of them that if I found out they cheated on me, the relationship was over.
Most men accept it. Those who wanted to be with me remained faithful. Those who didn’t knew they needed to end things. I believe I’m enough for one person. I believe that I can make a man who loves me as much as I love them happy. I deserve fidelity. I go on the theory that “once a cheater, always a cheater”.
I’m sorry, I do. If he cheats on you as your boyfriend, he will cheat on you as your husband. It breaks my heart to see some of my family and friends dating or married to a man who has side chicks in every area code. The really sad part? Most of them have only continued doing what they were allowed to do in the beginning.
You deserve better. There is someone out there that wants to be with no one else but you. There is someone out there who is attracted to only you and only becomes aroused by you. If a man cheats on you, dump him and move on to the next one.
9 – There’s something about him that irritates the hell out of you
Everyone has their own little quirks. That’s life. Sometimes they are little things, such as putting the toilet paper roll in a different direction. Or they could be much bigger. If he’s a slob and doesn’t keep his place clean. Guess who’s going to be his maid when you get married?
Yes, you guessed it. Once people get married they become more comfortable. All of the things he did that irked you, in the beginning, are going to get worse. You must determine if you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with it.
10 – You’re settling for him
Are you over the age of 35 and staying because you think this is your last chance? Do you feel as if you’ll never get married if you leave him, even if you know in your heart he’s not the one for you? Are you settling for his infidelity, because you’re too tired to start the dating process again? If so, you’re crazy. I mean insane-in-the-membrane crazy.
I would rather be a lonely 75-year-old maid than spend my life with someone who is “okay”. I want to wake up every morning next to the man of my dreams. I want my heart to pitter patter every time I hear his voice. I want to say my vows to someone who I would be proud to father my children. Not some person who I can barely stand and I know ain’t worth two buckets of beans.
If you find yourself saying, “Well at least he has a job”, “I want to be married before I’m 40”, or “we might as well get married”, then these are signs he’s not husband material. Spending your life with someone who doesn’t take space up in your heart is no life to live. Trust me.
You are valuable. You are worthy. And you are wifey material.